A Hierarchy of Undesirable Jobs

As I’m getting ready to leave my job in corporate America to strike out on my own, I’ve been thinking about which categories of employers are the least noxious, with the given, to paraphrase our friend Sean’s dad, that they wouldn’t call it work if it wasn’t a pain in the ass. So here is my categorical breakdown of employers, from least undesirable to most toxic, many of the insights gleaned from my own ill-fated forays into the world of work and most of the rest from similar stories told by friends:

1. Working for yourself: This seems to be the least noxious option, at least as judged by the odd birds who I meet on the tennis courts, the bars, and assorted other gathering places, and an option which I hope to soon transition to myself. Most of the advantages are self-apparent, namely the ability to live by your own schedule and your own rules. Of course, you still have to please your customers, clients, or whoever it is that pays you, and I’m sure that’s a real hardship for those with an insatiable drive to “get ahead”, but one thing that I’ve been struck by is how most of the self-employed, be they futures brokers, computer gurus, real estate salesmen, musicians, or political consultants, really don’t care about that part of the rat race and have managed to carve out a pleasant existence for themselves, pretty much on their own terms. The biggest downside of working for yourself, other than the fact that you are responsible for your own paycheck each month, seems to be the tendency for the self-employed to work at home which, having done it one day a week for the past several months, I know would drive me stir crazy if I did it every day, and I think this isolation keeps a lot of these folks from having a balanced perspective on the world. So, my caveat to advocating this lifestyle would be to either set up an office away from your house or, at the very least, find a way to get out each day and have some meaningful interaction with the rest of the human race (and by this I don’t mean just the interaction you have with the supermarket checkout girl or the other oddballs you meet on the tennis court).

2. Working for a friend/family/partner: I know that a lot of folks would probably blanche at this idea, and it violates rule number one about work, namely to remember that the people at work are not your friends, but I’ve found that most of those I know working for a good friend or member of the family tend to be pretty happy about their jobs and their lives. It’s a good thing, and a rare one, to work for someone you genuinely like and respect, and starting off with someone you already like before you even begin your job is a good start. Plus, these businesses tend to be relatively small ones, and there is often a kind of bond built between everyone at the place, be it a construction firm or an investment company.

3. Working for a corporation: This is also a somewhat better option than it might seem at first. Corporations tend to pay fairly well. They have good benefits. There is usually at least some notion worked into the corporate by-laws about giving back to their employees and their community. There is also the fact that misery loves company, and most corporations are large enough to have plenty of people to commiserate with. Also, corporations, even though they are often big and bureaucratic, generally have competent enough management that you will probably be given the support and direction to do your job effectively, and that, no matter how otherwise meaningless yours tasks might be, goes a long way to making one happy.

4. Working for the government: Unlike working for a private corporation, those working for the government, and by this I include those in the public school system, are almost never given the support and direction they need to competently do their jobs. Certainly, the first-rate benefits package, a generous pension, and a likely job for life are not to be lightly regarded, but these consolations don’t erase the day-to-day frustration when the institution you work for is, almost invariably, run by brown-nosing incompetents who have neither the ability nor the motivation to support you.

5. Working for an entrepreneur: By this, I mean working for a person or a company run by a person who believes that with hard work and smarts he or she can conquer the world, or at least his or her sector of it. Avoid these businesses. These people are assholes. They may pay you well, but they will exact their pound of flesh for every penny, they’ll toss you to the curb if either their company or their perception of you takes a bad turn, and they seem to think that everyone on the planet should be as single-minded and driven as they are. Entrepreneurs are a walking pathology looking to spread their disease to everything they touch.

6. Working for a bureaucracy of do-gooders: The bureaucrats out to save the world are a scourge; they make entrepreneurs look human and decent by comparison. Beware working for organizations looking to help the world: the folks in the trenches may be very nice, but those making the decisions in these non-profits tend to be self-righteous and dim, with an exaggerated view of both their own intelligence and importance. They are the types who are just dumb enough to believe that they know how best to order the planet, but unfortunately just smart enough to develop a plan to implement their ideas. They are likely to skimp on the supplies and support needed for you to do your job, not to mention being downright miserly when it comes to any pay raises and bonuses. In their minds, they may be doing this to spread the money around to other, in their eyes, “more deserving”, parts of their charitable empire, but they will never skimp when it comes to their own salaries or the remodeling of their “non-profit” headquarters. There may be intrinsic joys that come from doing this kind of non-profit work; there better be, because working for a jackass, do-good bureaucrat will surely test your patience in a dozen and one petty ways.